How to Poop Like a Secret Agent and Leave No Trace Behind

We all poop multiple times per week—if not per day—but most of us don’t think about how to do it properly.  Most of us, however, realize the smell it leaves behind.  That smell strikes fear in our hearts, making us worry that somebody may smell it and judge us.  You don’t have to fear poop stink.  With the right tools you can become Secret Agent Poop and leave no trace behind.

This post belongs to our ongoing series, How to Poop Like a Pro.  If you want to become a super duper pooper, be sure to check out all the posts.

Create a Scent Barrier

When you birth your poop into the world (and then, hopefully, directly into the toilet), smell particles quickly escape into the air because toilet water serves as a poor scent barrier.  If you want to lock that odor inside, you need a force field for stinky things.  Fortunately, a very functional and portable product called Poo-Pourri handles this task with ease.

For $15, you get a four ounce bottle of liquid that you spray six times into the toilet bowl before evacuating your bowels.  The poop will pass through the barrier, but when the smell tries to escape it will be trapped inside by a powerful force field of lemon zest (or whatever other smell you choose).  This tiny little bottle will last you a long time, so don’t let the $15 price tag deter you.  You can keep one in every bathroom or carry it with you.  After testing Poo-Pourri for a month I am severely impressed at how well it works.  If you want smaller sizes for travel purposes you can get those as well, but you’ll only save a few dollars for half the amount of product.  The four ounce bottle can travel just fine, so unless you need an airplane-safe carry-on you should avoid downsizing.

In the event you’d rather not spend any money at all, you can make your scent barrier spray using a few different recipes:

  • 1 teaspoon rubbing alcohol + 30-40 drops of essential oils of your choice (multiply amounts to fit your desired bottle).
  • 8 oz. of water + 40 drops of essential oils of your choice.
  • A jar of nutmeg mixed with all spice (or just one of the two, if you’re in a pinch).

The essential oil recipes can go right in any old spray bottle, sprayed six times before pooping (just like Poo-Pourri), and do the trick.  The nutmeg/all spice combo isn’t really a spray so much as it’s an easy cover all.  Dump some in the toilet water before you take a dump and the bathroom will smell like pumpkin pie you haven’t digested yet.  These spices work because they’re very fragrant, but they’re also visible and can be a bit messy.  This is kind of a backup concoction if you leave your special mix at home, seeing as most homes have a spice rack and you can borrow a little before you go to the loo.

All in all, most scent barrier produces—homemade or purchased—will do the job better than an air freshener and last longer as well.  If you want to stealth poop, there really isn’t any better way.

Poop Quickly

There will be days when you have to poop and you have none of your scent barrier-creating tools.  Some might say just suck it up and open a window, but if you really can’t stand the embarrassment of the human waste you flushed away you should start flushing it faster.  The smell can’t stick around if you send it to the sewers the moment it leaves your butt.

Hopefully you don’t need a detailed explanation on how to make this happen, but just in case here it is:

  1. Sit on the toilet and put one hand on the flusher.
  2. Squeeze some poop out of you.  The moment you hear a plop, press the flusher and spirit the poop away into it’s next life.
  3. Repeat this process until you’ve evacuated your bowels sufficiently.

This process has downsides.  First, you might get a splash of toilet water on your bum.  Second, you’ll waste a lot of water doing this which may actually cost you money (and moral standing) in states like California and Arizona, where droughts are common.  Finally, as with all awkward situations, you won’t grow if you’re constantly trying to hide your scent.  Poop smells bad and it’s a courtesy to avoid passing your stink onto other, unsuspecting bathroom-goers (although they’re quite dumb if they don’t anticipate the possibility of an unpleasant smell).  That said, when you can’t reduce or remove it, you can do the polite thing and warn the next person going in.  Or just live with the embarrassment.  It’s gross, but we all make stinky poops sometimes.  Sometimes you just have to live with your shit.

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